I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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