Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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