hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
