while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
