This girl is more easily done than said...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
