mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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