where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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