is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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