the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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