I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
