my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
bring money and cleavage
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
porn star boner night. come get it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
