lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
