I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
