i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We're too hungover to prance.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
