tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
