I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
