Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
