It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
