I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
