guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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