its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
