Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
