So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
