I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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