I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
