You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
