dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
