can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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