We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
