guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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