Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Drake has all the answers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
