Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
