dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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