thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
