i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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