It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
