I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
