Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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