so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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