I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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