Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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