I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm just crazy horny about you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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