We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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