I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
