I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He better not be in your backpack
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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