If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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