Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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