No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he thought i was a dude.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
