Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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