Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
